Up until about 36 weeks of pregnancy, I would ponder in my head when the best time for little miss to arrive might be. I figured (subconsciously) that she would choose the perfect timing, considering others, our commitments, our desire to meet her...after all, she is my daughter, so she must be a planner, right? And I decided on sometime in the 39th week...I'll be finishing up my last rotation before my six week "maternity leave." My externship in Ob/Gyn will be done. Mikey will have lined somebody up to lead worship at church that Sunday. All will be well. And exactly as it should be.
Then I hit 36 weeks, which is when one of my best friends gave birth to her healthy and beautiful little girl, and my spirit started to get a little antsy. Next I hit 37 weeks and I thought, "Well, now wouldn't be so bad...she's still just early term, but she'd be safe and healthy if she would just come now!" I have become so impatient to meet her. Not only is my desire to see her tiny face and count her fingers and toes growing minute by minute, but I am also growing increasingly uncomfortable in my increasingly large body as I near the end of this pregnancy. And I am starting to get a little nervous about her being late...with a due date still nearly 2 weeks away, I just feel unreasonably nervous that she will never come, or at least not for another 4 weeks or so. Coming after her due date would mean cutting into my 6 weeks of pre-scheduled "maternity leave," which is actually just six weeks of the usual time off all fourth year medical students receive, and that would mean less time home with her after her delivery.
In these past two weeks, my soul has been very restless. Worrying. Wondering if today is the day. Wanting to plan, but knowing so much is out of my control. And I realized this morning, while reading a devotional about wrestling with God and with your place in the world, that I am never really in control. I like to think I am. Just as I like to think that Evelyn would choose to arrive exactly at the most appropriate and convenient time. But truly, we are all just pieces in the huge puzzle of life. Sometimes, we find where we fit perfectly, and we can rest there. We feel that we belong and that all is right with the world. But just as easily, we can wake up on any given day, and it looks like the puzzle has changed completely. Where everything around us is harsh edges and sharp angles, we can't seem to fit comfortably anywhere, no matter how hard we try. And those days we get frustrated or dejected with what is around us, with ourselves for not fitting perfectly into the life we are living.
And I would find this lack of control utterly distressing if I were to look at it from the perspective of my one poor little piece. It would all seem so meaningless, so frustrating, so demeaning. But when I look at my piece as a vital part of completing the puzzle, a piece cherished by a God who knows exactly where I fit in, every day, no matter what my perspective may be, I find it somewhat freeing. The big picture is always there...the whole puzzle put together. Even when I feel like I am totally out of place or that the world around me is out of place, I can trust that I am where I need to be. I can learn from every season. I can rest in God, knowing that He has a plan, a place, for me.
And so as I start this new week and am about to go get ready for church, I want to take a moment to thank the Lord for being the one who knows the big picture and for giving me seasons of rest and "fitting," as well as seasons of wrestling and growing. I pray that every season would draw me closer to Him...to trusting Him and knowing Him, and to becoming more like Him. I pray that He would give my heart a resting place in these upcoming weeks, as I wait for Evelyn's birth and then as I learn how to do this whole parenting thing with a newborn.
Then I hit 36 weeks, which is when one of my best friends gave birth to her healthy and beautiful little girl, and my spirit started to get a little antsy. Next I hit 37 weeks and I thought, "Well, now wouldn't be so bad...she's still just early term, but she'd be safe and healthy if she would just come now!" I have become so impatient to meet her. Not only is my desire to see her tiny face and count her fingers and toes growing minute by minute, but I am also growing increasingly uncomfortable in my increasingly large body as I near the end of this pregnancy. And I am starting to get a little nervous about her being late...with a due date still nearly 2 weeks away, I just feel unreasonably nervous that she will never come, or at least not for another 4 weeks or so. Coming after her due date would mean cutting into my 6 weeks of pre-scheduled "maternity leave," which is actually just six weeks of the usual time off all fourth year medical students receive, and that would mean less time home with her after her delivery.
In these past two weeks, my soul has been very restless. Worrying. Wondering if today is the day. Wanting to plan, but knowing so much is out of my control. And I realized this morning, while reading a devotional about wrestling with God and with your place in the world, that I am never really in control. I like to think I am. Just as I like to think that Evelyn would choose to arrive exactly at the most appropriate and convenient time. But truly, we are all just pieces in the huge puzzle of life. Sometimes, we find where we fit perfectly, and we can rest there. We feel that we belong and that all is right with the world. But just as easily, we can wake up on any given day, and it looks like the puzzle has changed completely. Where everything around us is harsh edges and sharp angles, we can't seem to fit comfortably anywhere, no matter how hard we try. And those days we get frustrated or dejected with what is around us, with ourselves for not fitting perfectly into the life we are living.
And I would find this lack of control utterly distressing if I were to look at it from the perspective of my one poor little piece. It would all seem so meaningless, so frustrating, so demeaning. But when I look at my piece as a vital part of completing the puzzle, a piece cherished by a God who knows exactly where I fit in, every day, no matter what my perspective may be, I find it somewhat freeing. The big picture is always there...the whole puzzle put together. Even when I feel like I am totally out of place or that the world around me is out of place, I can trust that I am where I need to be. I can learn from every season. I can rest in God, knowing that He has a plan, a place, for me.
And so as I start this new week and am about to go get ready for church, I want to take a moment to thank the Lord for being the one who knows the big picture and for giving me seasons of rest and "fitting," as well as seasons of wrestling and growing. I pray that every season would draw me closer to Him...to trusting Him and knowing Him, and to becoming more like Him. I pray that He would give my heart a resting place in these upcoming weeks, as I wait for Evelyn's birth and then as I learn how to do this whole parenting thing with a newborn.
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word, I hope" - Psalm 130:5
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